“Floating in a sea of sadness”

 

Floating in a sea of sadness

Looking for an isle of gladness

 

Waves of emotion

A vast ocean

 

No land in sight

Only endless night

 

only sadness

only darkness

 

 

 

Context:  Ten years ago, almost a year after Nina died I often slept in my barn office fighting emotional darkness. Woke up one morning with the first sensations ones of pain – physical and otherwise – again. Curl into a ball under the covers and try to shake it off enough to motivate the day and the words above come to me in bits.

Took me a bit today to realize why I was feeling so adrift and emotionally awash this morning.  And then I looked at the date to check about an upcoming appointment and realized the dates next week and remembered what this time of year means and how our bodies know and remember our grief even if our minds have shied away from remembering.

 

Found a file named “Silly Verse for James Dempsey”

awash in the miasma
of async blocks on dispatch_queues
bad data flyin’ like kids from pews
(when church lets out and they go free)
and to the console logging spews
apocalyptic, no good news
mood turning into plasma

Thoughts On Life

Dad stumbled upon this while cleaning out a “miscellaneous box.”  A moment in time, in the form of a poem from the end of a tumultuous sophomore year in college:

Walking backwards,
Looking down all the crossroads,
I didn't take.
To see the lives I will not live.
There is no going back.
Only one path is mine.
Sadness - so many paths appeal.
Try to look ahead,
the memories of choices made,
of turns not taken,
Haunt and cause hesitation,
Fear of wrong choices.
A Hope that paths have destinations
in common.
Different languages say the same things,
Could different paths lead to the same place?