About a year ago I was trying to write a story for NaNoWriMo, but the mood of the time lead me into deep waters. I wrote for 6 more days after this first entry, but the direction of the words was ever darker and trending towards frightening, so I stopped. Here then is that first free-write because there are pieces of it that resonate for me.
Depression is among the most challenging of foes to overcome. Silent, hidden, sneaky and pervasive it festers and grows most when you’re weakened by more common challenges such as hunger, exhaustion, or common illness. It’s an enemy like fog, thin and insubstantial while at the same time somehow heavy enough to crush your spirit and sap all energy from your mind and body. Like fog it parts with ease when slashed with a weapon, but curls back around to fill in the space just cleared. Never standing still and facing you in battle – indeed a difficult foe to vanquish. Those of one religious group or another will tell you that belief in their deity can help but only if you forsake all other religions and believe in theirs alone as the one true deity. Such hubris, such blindness. Do they not see that all roads lead to the same place, eventually? All paths to the same great beyond? Difficult to view any of them as knowing that of which they speak and one has to wonder which of their words be Truth and which just the folly of mortal man creating structure to validate that which they want to believe. And thus another path must be found for the organized religions seem imperfect and as likely to shatter as a flawed sword when needed most. Those that claim to be modern healers offer chemicals to dull the mind and spirit. While no doubt easing the pain, and thus useful at times, such things seem likely to blind one to the path of true healing. Those that would speak of one’s troubles and attempt to guide one through the rapids of battle with the fog seem more interested in mapping the battle to those they’ve fought before and it’s difficult to see any true wisdom in such an exercise. Skeptical of help there, one looks beyond for some way to find peace, to gain one’s life back… …to little avail. And ever in this journey the depression colors the picture. Deep in the bones, it seeps out, poisoning and weakening the body, mind and spirit. Causing pain and fatigue anew each day, and worse at night. Ebbing and flowing like the tides of the sea. The efforts of one human as seemingly insignificant in its clutches as a man floating in the vastness of an ocean.